Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey are back, to the chagrin of critics…and possibly anyone with eyes. The shade for adapted sequel Fifty Shades Darker is real. As Dana puts it, “I’ve seen more chemistry between two wet paper bags.” Others have not been as nice. “It’s utterly ridiculous” says The Seattle Times. Entertainment Weekly says it is “strangely plotless and devoid of any real tension.” The Wrap reports “overall, the film plays like an un-asked-for collaboration between the Hallmark and Playboy Channels.” The nicest comes from Vanity Fair, saying “This movie is a trash masterpiece.”

Still want to see it to believe it? In Fifty Shades Darker, a hurt Christian (Jamie Dornan) tries to win back a skeptical Anastasia (Dakota Johnson). She gives in on one condition: they start fresh, under a “new (more vanilla) arrangement.” As they try to make it work, Christian’s past reappears stronger than ever, jeopardizing their hopes of a future together.

If only that was enough. Unfortunately, Fifty Shades Darker fails to do its #1 job as a film: make people actually care about the protagonists. The raw materials are there: both Johnson (the daughter of Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson) and The Fall‘s Dornan are both undeniably attractive and talented. However, the latter you would never know by watching Darker. Though Glengarry Glen Ross director James Foley manages to add slightly more sexiness to this sequel, he’s unable to help the stars create anything of substance from what Dana calls “dialogue written by a robot.”

Ultimately, this film shouldn’t have seen the light of day. Dana gives the failed attempt her first ever 0/5 Mohawks.